I arrived at Blind Mirth's On the Rocks event completely sober and under the influence of no drugs or substances whatsoever. This was a new experience for me, and in retrospect not one I regret in the slightest.
I grabbed my seat in the back row of the Byre Theatre at 10:14 pm, and took the extra minute I had before the lights dropped to observe the celebrities and characters in the audience with me. It's always been an opinion of mine that one can predetermine the quality of an event by those who show up for it. I can safely vouch that all sub-sects and divisions of the St Andrews student body were well represented. I realized suddenly that unlike most other events I review, this was going to be an absolutely inclusive show. This revelation simultaneously terrified and exhilarated me. So rarely do we get anything non-exclusive in this town.
The lights dimmed, and the rather unnecessarily expensive Bubble TV camera next to me began to roll. Through some set of occurrences, the premise of the night was announced: the comedy gods, or something, demanded, for a reason I couldn't quite grasp, that Blind Mirth perform 13 sketches to avoid being smitten, or maybe forgotten, or . . . well, something like that. It was pretty ungraspable, and all I could really understand was that the Blind Mirth people were going to do some sketches, and presumably they'd be funny. I felt optimistic, despite all the clutter.
And so the comedy sketches began. I will now review them in one sentence each, with liberal use of semicolons, and a score out of 10.
- Life Drawing Shenanigans: the line “I was an anus model for a medical textbook” won me over; funny, and piqued my curiosity about the possibly miserable existence of real life anus models. 8/10
- Fancy Men's Toilet: an impossibly handsome man (who I at first mistook for Hugh Jackman) takes a poop; wow he is great to look at, even if he is pooping. 7/10
- Writing Frankenstein: Percy Bysshe Shelley and Lord Byron mock Mary Shelley and her new book; I learned that orgies are only acceptable after lunch; I was only attracted to 2 out of 3 of the Blind Mirth actresses on stage. 3/10
- Shabby Women's Toilet: it turns out that if a woman runs out of toilet paper, she'll fight to the death; I really hope never to live with a woman. 6/10
- Mistaken for a Pigeon Decapitate-er: a character who looks like the guy who killed a pigeon; I don't think avian cruelty is a laughing matter. 3/10
- Dr. Who Convention: one character dressed up like (and I quote) “Optimis Prime's dick”, and the other wore a cardboard box; cardboard is not flattering to any size or figure. 5/10
- Clairvoyance: a medium fools around with a couple; sounds naughtier than it turned out to be, but still hilarious. 10/10
- Boy Friend Meets Girl Friend's Father: they're wizards, but only if virgins aren't in the room; justified my belief that men are nerdier and funnier when women aren't present. 10/10
- Sherlock: Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman impersonators mock the popular BBC show; elderly sex is not yet a stale topic for comedy. 8/10
- James Bond: Invisible gadgets and a mime-powered spy car; I was really excited that Hugh Jackman was back on stage. 8/10
- Men's Perfume: marketing propositions for scents of Jabba the Hutt and Shakespeare; I thought of that years ago. 10/10
- Batman: Adam West and Chrisitian Bale interrogate a pirate; no one can deny that's a winning combo. 10/10
At this point, the show inexplicably ended. Either I lost count of the sketches, or Blind Mirth did. I expected a 13th, but instead the actors and actresses took their bows and that was it: the lights turned on and everyone filed out. Maybe that was just a joke I didn't get.
What it all comes down to is this: there are certain unavoidable truths that every St Andrews student has to come to terms with. Among these truths is the simple and unquestionable case that Blind Mirth is hilarious. I was shocked to find myself, for the first time, enjoying an event I had to review. Maybe this town has some talent in it, after all.
Blind Mirth performs every Monday night at 8 in the Barron. I am fully qualified to recommend it to you.