Sex, drugs and Raisin in the Badlands

Considering one of my children fought for her life overnight in the community hospital, another violently copulated with her brother at the bottom of the travelator, my youngest is no longer speaking to me after passing out half-naked thirty minutes before the foam fight, and the rest of my rowdy brood have no memory of my Raisin party last week, I feel qualified to write on the joys of academic families.

St Andrews Traditions Explained: How to Find Your Family

When I came to Freshers, I wasn’t quite sure what academic parents were, but I knew I didn’t want to be an orphan. The good news – parents want kids as much as you want to be adopted. An academic parent is usually a 3rd year that ‘adopts’ a group of first years during Freshers. Many people have a mom and a dad but some will end up will a few moms and dads – I have 2 wonderful dads! One of many reasons to get involved in hall and evening activities during Freshers is it gives you the perfect opportunity to meet a parent. I was adopted in the Vic and I know others who were adopted while moving into halls and at various first week hall events. After you are adopted once, it’s not uncommon to have your new mom or dad introduce you to your other parent. Just get chatting: either you or your future parent can pop the question.

How To Child-Proof Your Home This Raisin Weekend

1. Plastic sheeting, and more plastic sheeting. It covers a multitude of sins – you never know what bodily or alcoholic fluids will seep into your carpet otherwise. Saves a lot of stress at the end of the year when the landlord comes round to inspect.

Five Reasons Why You Should Have Academic Children

  1. To experience pure, unconditional love. You’ll smother them with affection (force alcohol down their throats until they throw up) and they’ll willingly reciprocate (puke all over your shoes).
  1. To make sure someone is there to look after you when you are old. By ‘look after’, I mean they’ll be there when you’re in fourth-year, taunting you with their lack of deadlines and ability to strawpedo wine without incurring the hangover from hell.
  1. Because you fancy one of them. After all, freshers are hot. This is an unwritten rule in itself.
  1. To watch them blossom from shy, doe-eyed first years into loud, brash, borderline alcoholics. Don’t miss those all-important ‘firsts’, including first random hook-up and first all-nighter!
  1. To teach them what your mother never taught you. Dr. Noodles is not as good as you think it might be. Never wear your favourite shoes to Kinkell. Tequila is not a pre-drink.

Image courtesy of Grain Edit.com.